Full disclosure: "Beautiful B" is my girrrllllfriend. ("Hey look everyone! This chick has a girlfriend! Nurr.") This open-minded, polyamorous pixie snagged my heart the very first time I saw her and I've been hooked ever since. Together we've explored some very kinky fantasies. (One time she indulged my sporty side by letting me paddle her in nothing but a pair of tennis shoes. Thanks, babe!)
Kinky as she may be, Beautiful B isn't as all-out obsessed with BDSM as myself and some of my other fetish-loving friends. I think it's important to appreciate that kink, like any aspect of sexuality, falls on a spectrum for each of us. You don't need to be a daily practitioner or decked out in leather to be a "true submissive" or a "real masochist". A pox on that kink-shamey noise, I say! Anyway, big thanks to my boo for this kinky contribution!
Molly: How would you describe your relationship with BDSM?
B: BDSM and I are pretty close pals who don’t see each other super often, but when we do it’s like no time has passed at all! It’s not an as regular part of my life as it has been in the past, but I’m okay with that. I’m masochistic, submissive, and into bondage; while incorporating these things into my sex life really turns me on, I find I don’t need BDSM in my life. For that I feel very lucky, especially because my current primary partner - while totally game to try new things - isn’t super experienced in kink.
So, the short answer would be: I love BDSM, but I don’t require it to have a good time.
Molly: How and when did BDSM begin to interest you?
B: Hard to say! My earliest memories of being practically impervious to pain come from childhood. I was a tomboy, and back then falling down and scraping my elbows and knees didn’t phase me one bit. I loved the scars! The first thing that signaled to me that I was “weird” was the fact that I could yank out chunks of my hair without being bothered by the pain. My friends and classmates were super bothered by this, however, which I got a kick out of.
I think I was in my late twenties before I really realized I was into BDSM. Prior to that I’d had partners who’d gotten a little rough so I knew I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t until a certain unnamed kinkstress came into my life who would so openly talk about her love of all things S&M that I realized that I was very drawn to the concept. I haven’t looked back since (well, except to make eye contact with someone spanking me).
Molly: What's been your most positive experience with BDSM? Why did you like it?
B: This is maybe not the titillating response readers are looking for but - the community. Meeting people who have similar fantasies and desires as me - or totally different ones! - has been so helpful and inspiring.
It was also really nice to see that there are other kinky people out there who are like me. I don’t wear all black and leather - and it’s a total misconception that all kinksters do, I know, but one that I totally fell for before I really got into S&M. I’m a pretty regular looking gal and I don’t see BDSM as, like, my life, so it was really refreshing to see that anyone - businessmen, university students, and other “normal” seeming people - could be into BDSM and treat it as more of a hobby than a way of life. Makes me happy to think we’re all a little freaky inside, no matter what we look or act like in public.
Molly: What's been the most challenging aspect of BDSM for you?
Finding a safe environment to practice it in regularly. Though kinbaku (Japanese rope bondage) is popular where I live, there isn’t a hugely open kinky community in my city nor are there that many venues. The places that are here generally don’t operate in my native language. Plus, I am a busy lady. So while I have a great support group of fellow kinksters and occasional opportunities to play, I don’t think I have as many resources as I might back in my home country or elsewhere.
Molly: What are you most curious about when it comes to BDSM?
My limits! I still haven’t found them yet.
Molly: What advice would you give to someone who's just getting their feet wet with BDSM?
Take it slowwwwww. It’s very easy to get excited about trying new things and dive right in or to get caught up in some fantasy, but BDSM - while amazing! - can have serious consequences. People can become uncomfortable, traumatized, and hurt. Building up to rougher/more intense play over time is best, even if you think you can handle more to begin with.
Also, if you’re going to an event or meeting a new dom or something like that, I’d suggest not going alone but taking along someone you know and trust (if possible). There have been times when I’ve been super subspacey after play, so I wasn’t able to fully defend myself or react appropriately in uncomfortable situations (thankfully nothing too serious!). In those cases, I was always glad to have a partner or friend around as an extra safety net. Sometimes it also just helps to have someone with you who you can say “I want to leave” to and they’ll go with you right away, no question.
Finally, there might be times when you become very upset or emotional. I’m not an emotional person at all, so I was shocked when I once burst into tears after some very rough play with my partner. I wasn’t consciously upset in the least! But rough play causes surges in your brain chemicals that can have unexpected effects on your mind and body. Aftercare and conversations about you and your play partner’s feelings and experiences before, during, and after play are really helpful ways to keep from encountering feelings of shame or guilt that can seemingly pop up out of nowhere. While BDSM can be painful and/or humiliating, that should be the goal and not some accidental result. So make sure to communicate and consent!